EXCLUDED – Laurent Baffie's self-interview: “I had 10 lean years, doing odd jobs and eating pasta in a crappy studio. »

February 07, 2024 / Jerome Goulon

Laurent Baffie is the PAF's greatest sniper. For more than 30 years, his sense of repartee and his sharp humor have delighted millions of viewers and Internet users. Exclusively for Interviews, he conducts his self-interview. Confessions as funny as they are moving...

LAURENT BAFFIE:  Laurent Baffie, hello…
Laurent: Hello Laurent.

How does it feel to be interviewed?
It's weird, it's an abyss, but I like it.

You who don't open up much in interviews, aren't you afraid that I'll make you say things that are too personal?
I don't know, we'll see, anyway I trust you... Well, I trust myself.

So let's go, how does it feel to be in Interviews more than 20 years later?
It's strange, at the time I didn't like the newspaper, but I agreed to work there because it was Thierry.

And today ?
There, it was Omar Harfouch who called me telling me that he had bought Interviews and that he wanted to erase the trashy side to create a classy journal, and he wanted me to participate in it.

And you believed him?
Frankly, I don't know how you can make a classy newspaper while keeping the brand, but at the same time, it looks confident so why not.

Are you paid well to do this interview?
How are you…

How much are you paid?
Didn't we say we were raising the level?

Yes, sorry… Do you regret your TV years with Ardisson?
Not at all, with Thierry, we made a TV that we couldn't make again today, so no regrets, only good memories

Are you one of the old farts who said “it was better before”?
The old bastard annoys you, and we're the same age, let me tell you!

What do you think of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict?
I'm against.

Don't you have a clue about that?
No, I don't gossip about things that horrify me.

Have you lost your balls as you get older?
No, they hang a little more, but they're still there.

Who makes you laugh today, in the new generation of comedians?
Lots of people: Blanche Gardin, Alban Ivanov, Laura Felpin, Paul Mirabel, Tania Dutel, Jérémy Ferrari and Guillaume Bats whom I hug very much where he is. Then I forget lots of others...

And what do you think of Paul de Saint-Sernin, the guy who snipes at Léa Salamé?
Nothing but good things, he's funny, quick, and he doesn't laugh at his jokes, he understands everything.

If someone had told me that one day you would have plastic surgery, I wouldn't have believed it.
At one time, neither did I.

What exactly did you do?
Hair implants, twice, and bags under my eyes that made me look tired all the time.

Do hair implants hurt?
It doesn't hurt, it hurts a lot.

And the bags under the eyes?
General anaesthesia.

You cut your teeth too, right?
Yes, between the tifs, the suitcases and the ratiches, if you add it up, I have the equivalent of a farmhouse in Normandy on my face!

It caused a serious buzz on the Internet, there were even people who didn’t recognize you…
I'm used to it, even my father didn't recognize me!

You're 65, how does it feel to be old?
It sucks, but in my head, I'm still 64 years old.

Are you afraid of dying?
No, I'm just afraid of not living anymore.

What do you think comes after death?
The decomposition.

Damn, how do you manage to respond like that straight away?
Tac tac my ass, it took me two hours to find this answer!

For a Boomer, are you quite present on Instagram lately?
Yes, it took me a long time to get started with it, but to promote my shows or to help sell a book, it's a great tool, and I have fun too.

Can you give us the solution to the rebus?
No, don't worry, my account is Laffie.

Did it help you being known for making out with chicks?
Listen, we didn't keep the pigs together!

Do you think sucking is cheating?
Yes.

And sucking is cheating?
Oh damn, the level! An interview is being prepared DAMN, don’t you have an interesting question?

Yes, sorry. In the current context, you don't think that comedians whose goal is to make people laugh by pushing the limits of political correctness are totally petrified by media pressure which itself is under the yoke of right-thinking and fear associations and terrorism?
Yes.

Can you elaborate a little?
No.

In the last legislative elections, were you on the Animalist Party list? What was it like to be involved in politics?
Nothing, I just did that to shine a spotlight on the animal cause.

And if you had been elected, what would that have been, Baffie MP?
Deputy, I would have made more trouble than Boyard, Panot and Lassalle combined.

You campaign for animal protection, but you eat meat…
Less and less, I am flexitarian.

Yes, but you eat it. Why aren't you completely vegetarian?
Because I'm stupid and weak.

You call yourself green. Yet you have two cars, a motorcycle and you take the plane. Isn't this all very good for the planet?
I know, but I'm not going to carpool to my appointments and I'm not going to hitchhike on tour either. Although I may be green, I am a big polluter like the others.

If someone calls you a bobo, does that offend you?
Not at all, on the contrary, bobo isn't a bad word for me, it's a reality. I come from a very modest family of 20e arrondissement and today I live to the west of Paris in a house with a garden. I make my compost, I have an electric Smart car and I eat organic while drinking good Bordeaux full of sulfates and pesticides, I am a real caricature!

If we consider that you began your career as an artist at 16 as an extra for the Carpentiers, that makes you almost 50 years in the store?
Yes, with big air holes, because between the ages of 17 and 27, I had 10 lean years, doing odd jobs and eating pasta in a crappy studio with the toilets on the landing.

And afterward, you were able to spoil your children, limit, you rotted them…
Let's say that I was lucky enough to be able to offer them what I wasn't their age, and then we leave the planet to them in such a state that I'm happy to have been able to spoil them a little before the apocalypse.

The apocalypse ? Downright !
Do you see reasons to be optimistic?

No, actually I think like you...
Normal, you are me, finally I am you… I am you and you are me.

Shut your mouth !
Yes and you are me too.

No, I said, shut up, shut up!
Ah, the interview is over?

Almost, we're going to end with a first interview to pay tribute to Thierry Ardisson.
Why is he dead?

But no, you're stupid, we can pay homage to people without them being dead.
You're the stupid one, you scared me!

Ready for the interview?
Ready.

THE FIRST TIME INTERVIEW

So let's go…
Wait, is there no jingle?

No.
Can I move then?

Do what you want, I don't care. First sexual relationship?
Does family matter?

Nope…
So my first time was with Paulette, a prostitute from rue Saint-Denis, I was 16 and she was 73. She wasn't the most beautiful, nor the youngest, but she was the cheapest.

What were the prices?
50 francs for love, and 100 francs for sodomy.

And how much did it cost you?
She was on her stomach, so as I didn't really know where I was in doubt, I gave her 75.

Class !
You ask me, I answer you.

First time as a threesome, and please spare me the crap with the city.
Never done threesomes.

Seriously?
No, I've never had an orgy either, for me making love is intimacy not community. I don't want to see a guy's balls dangling eight inches from my nose when I'm fucking, even if it's a friend's balls.

What was your biggest expense?
Are we no longer in the first time interview?

Who cares, answer!
It was a 28 m² house in Saint-Ouen with a Turkish toilet in the kitchen, it was my first loan too.

Have you lived your whole life on credit?
Yes, it allows you to have things before you have the money.

Your last credit?
It was three years ago, 62 years ago.

What banks lend to old people?
Yes, the CIC, the credit of the cacochyme incontinent!

Your first big money grab?
The success of Toc toc.

Your biggest loss?
Crooked producers who scammed me by not paying my royalties and who filed for bankruptcy afterwards.

Who were these guys?
Forget it, we don't care.

Wait, wasn’t it Philippe Hersen and Pascal Bataille?
Who cares, I tell you.

Your biggest joy?
Obviously the birth of my children.

Your biggest cock?
Wait, are you sure you didn't forget a letter there?

Yes, sorry, your biggest pain, well the last.
Roger Federer's defeat against Djoko in the Wimbledon final in 2019, he had two match points and on his serve in addition, he should never have lost this match, if he had won today he would be at 21 victories and Joko at 23!

Come on last question, what would you say to yourself if you saw yourself young?
I would say to myself, stop your crappy little jobs and go see Coluche every night, even if you don't have the money to buy a theater ticket, try to do everything to meet this guy and join his supplier team of valves. Stop being shy and get involved. He's your idol, your culture and your family, if you join his gang at 18 or 20, you'll gain 10 years and above all you will have rubbed shoulders with a genius.

Well, thank you Laurent, thank you very much.
Well thank you for choosing me for your first interview, at the same time, I imagine that you had no one else to wipe the plasters.

It's true, but frankly, I'm delighted to have discovered someone almost likeable... To tell you the truth, I had some preconceptions about you!
You mean about you?

Yes, it's the same.
What are you doing now, are you going to do a Padel? 

No, I'm going to go back to work as usual. And you what are you doing ?
The same.

It is a kiss ?
Surely not !

Well, why ?
Because I know myself by heart, if I start kissing, it turns me on, and then I turn around and fuck each other!

You can't help it, can you!? You absolutely have to end with some rudeness, you're really indescribable!
But it's not me, it's you!

Yes, but if it's you it's me, I'm you and you're me!
Shut your mouth !

Yes, but I am you too!
No, shut up, shut your mouth!